I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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