she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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