cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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