I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Randomize
