there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
