drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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