I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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