im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
