I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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