fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
