if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
