pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
