I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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