I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize