seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
