I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
