I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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