he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
