Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
