Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
