A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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