i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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