Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
