I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
