My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
