Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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