OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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