textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
