I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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