Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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