I think I am morally bankrupt
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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