I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
