I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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