i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
