that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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