who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
