I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
