Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
