dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
