Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
