She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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