Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
