you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
