I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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