one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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