It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
