Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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