Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
