drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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