I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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