If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
