I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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